I’ve been fighting a battle for a while. And this past week has been hitting me hard with internal spiritual warfare. I listened to a speech tonight, and the speaker kept going back to the realness of God and how that reflects in our prayer life. He said the word “real” so many times that I almost started counting. Now this speech lasted a little over an hour. And I can’t even begin to recap the details. But as many times as he said that word, it stuck with me. So, being the nerd that I am, I came home and looked up “real” in the dictionary. The first definition applies. “Actually existing as a thing or occurring in fact” Yeah. Ok. Whew. I’m real. Prayer is real. I mean, it exists as a thing, right? But as I went down the list. The jabs just started hurting worse and worse.

Real – Adjective – Actually existing as a thing or occurring in fact. Not imitation or artificial. Genuine. Proper. Complete.

And now, the synonyms: Authentic. Bona Fide. Sincere. True. Unfeigned. Heartfelt. Unaffected. Earnest. Substantial. Honest. Truthful. Absolute. Perfect.

Or how about the definition used in Optics: “Of a kind in which the light that forms it actually passes through it”.

Now, who wants to guess who THAT describes!?! If anyone here is real. It’s the Lord our God. There is not one of those definitions that doesn’t describe Him perfectly.

And the thing is… God is real. So very real. I know this. There has been more than one occasion where He has shown Himself to me and has shown His love for me. Not only that… but after all of these years and all of these battles, He has NEVER given up on me.

Now, let’s take it further and play with the Antonyms:

Genuine → Insincere

Proper → Inappropriate

Complete → Incomplete

Authentic → Fake

Sincere → Insincere

True → False

Unfeigned → Pretended

Earnest →  Apathetic, Half-Hearted

Substantial →  Worthless

Honest → Insincere, Biased

Truthful → Deceptive

Absolute → Partial

Perfect → Faulty

Here, we see a list of all the ways I daily fall short. Either in my thoughts, my words or my actions. It absolutely blows my mind that there is a true, earnest, authentic, bona fide, unfeigned, absolute and perfect God that loves me anyways.

Now, to reflect that in my prayer life.

I spend too much energy wondering how “normal” I am. And I’ve been on a many years long quest to find where I land on the spectrum of normal. I’m awkward and somehow both extroverted and introverted… depending on the day, and my currently level of anxiety. I can worry incessantly about the least likely scenarios imaginable. All while ignoring things that needed to be done yesterday. I can stick my foot in mouth without even opening it sometimes. And I confuse myself daily.

And I can just hear my Mom telling me “Honey, you are normal. You are not the same”. Now, for context, “the same” is code word for “insane”. It was Mom’s way of saying “they crazy” but making it sound nice, like any good southern belle can do. “Oh, that’s Suzie, she’s the same“. That only sounds rude in context.

Now, I know there are people out there that are only a fraction of my awkwardness. There are people that can work a room and talk to people, and their entire body doesn’t turn beet red. They don’t break out into hives. They manage to keep their feet on the floor and out of their mouths. They don’t worry about all the things. (Seriously, I need to know how to do that!)

So, I’m trying to decide. Am I the same or am I “the same”. I just can’t shake the feeling that there’s a big plan hiding under all of this awkwardness. I’m pretty confident that my God given gift isn’t breaking out into hives, however, I have faith that there’s a true gift in there. And one day, He’s going to show it to me, and this world better watch out. Meanwhile, I’m going to remain “the same”.